Back To Obedience School?

I've got mixed feelings. That's not to say that I'm confused. No. Confusion and mixed feelings are very different. I can't say that I'm ambivalent either. No. My feelings on the following topic are relatively strong. But let's just say that I really can't make up my mind if I agree or disagree with the author's views. (It is a mark of my mixed feelings that I'm actually departing from how I usually write and using the apostrophe with abandon).

So which article has gotten me into such a tizzy? It's an opinion article from the Today newspaper, from a column titled I Say. The title? To Love... Is To Obey, and it is penned by one Frances Ong Hock Lin. The following is the excerpt from the article (from roughly the centre of the article to the end):

"A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.

"Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 percent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract - which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.

"The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.

"My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything in return.

"He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major decision, his vote counts for 60 percent, and mine for 40 percent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it challenging
to submit to my husband. But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.

"Being the heart of the family, my role is to complement, and not to compete with, his. I never challenge his views in front of others, which would make him feel small, insignificant and disrespected.

"We try not to fight or quarrel in front of the children. Yes, we have thought of walking out of this marriage many times, but then we remembered that we started out with the belief that divorce was not an option.

"We will continue to fight, and our marriage will be a roller-coaster ride. Given a chance, would I walk down the aisle again to the same man? Yes, I would, but this time I would obey him the minute he married me."
__________________________________________

You know, when I first read this article, I was like thinking to myself, my GOD, where do I find a woman like this?! A woman educated yet submissive, with her own career yet supportive, and able to stick with her husband through thick and thin. In the words of my Singlish-loving friend,"This kind where to find?!"

What really moved my heart was the very last paragraph. Implicit in her rhetorical question and answer was the conviction that should she be given the choice to do it all over again, she wouldn't get out of the marriage, but rather, to attempt to make it even better than it already is. Well, I don't know about other guys out there, but having my loved one give me a sponge bath is already plenty good.

My mixed feelings come from a rather sad realisation: that such women in Singapore, as far as I can see, are a dying breed. While the emancipation of women is indubitably a good thing, one of the side-effects is that an emancipated woman would rather be heard and stand her ground than give way and be obedient. It is a stridency that is both attractive and intimidating to men. The demure, impishly shy girl of our dreams has been replaced by the reality of the severely-cut, in-your-face career woman. For me to find a woman who can help keep peace in the household is akin to finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.

I don't believe I'm a chauvinist. Heck, I don't even need a woman who can obey my every whim. If I did, I might as well keep a kept woman. I want a partner through life, who can pamper me on occasion, give solid sage advice when necessary, and stick with me through thick and thin. A partner who knows that being in a marriage is when two people stop using the word "I" and start using the word "we". A partner who is satisfied with the role she will play in the household, just as I would be satisfied with mine. And a partner who understands the need for unity, no matter what issues may be plaguing the relationship.

Obedience to the husband (or even obedience to the wife) can keep the peace; but I believe the crux of the article is not obedience, but being able to fill out and accept mutual complementary roles in a marriage. In Frances' case, being obedient may be part of that role. But truly, as long as two people in marriage always know where they stand (especially in each other's hearts), then the marriage will be a success. This I believe.

Understanding In The Workplace

You see that little link on the right? The one that says "Where I work"? Have you clicked on it yet? Well if you have, you'd have an idea of what I do at work. Pretty impressive huh? It gets a little more impressive when people in my appointment do a little math and realise that we are answerable for an average of half a million dollars in revenue every 12-hour shift. Haha. If only even a fraction of that revenue were to come to our pockets. Bleah.

Anyway, considering that the company that I work for is considered one of the premier companies in Singapore, and a leader in the industry in the world, you'd think that its HR practices are amongst the best in the world; and to a certain extent, and with certain yardsticks, I believe it really is. My company pays really competitively, there are a host of benefits, from medical and dental, company chalets, insurance coverage, etc and the view from atop some of our quay cranes are downright breathtaking.

So why is it that in my department, in my appointment alone, were there 5 resignations within two months? Considering that in my particular appointment there are only 20 people, 5 is like 25%. What is wrong with my company that makes us want to leave? And I make no bones about it. At this exact point in time, if there was an opening for me with a similar pay scale, I'd be off in a flash. I have actually been thinking about leaving for a time, but never has the feeling been stronger than in the last 6 months.

Strangely, this feeling of wanting to leave coincides roughly with the arrival of our newest and latest department head. She happens to be a pregnant female, but I strongly believe that is besides the point. The main grouse I have is that she has had no operational knowledge at all in the first place. She has tried to learn a lot I have to admit, but all that she's learnt thus far are theory lessons, with absolutely no practical basis. As such, instructions have been given which are sometimes weird at best and over-reactionary at worst (I'd love to use the word disastrous, but so far we have been able to avoid that). In addition, when we run into problems and try to explain to her, we either run into a brick wall, or simply get questioned in return.

I thought that one of the responsibilities in the role of being a leader was to provide guidance? Well, we certainly aren't getting all that much of it in this instance. Instead all we get are more questions that exasperate us and tell us our leader is as confused or more than we are. It doesn't help that when she questions, some of the questions are so basic that we are afraid of telling her the truth for fear of insulting her intelligence. To cut everything short, all of the people in my department are suffering from a state of anomie.

As I continue working, I am starting to believe that the main way to promote a healthy working environment and to have a happy workforce is very simply, to provide the workers with understanding; understanding of the problems we face, and the knowledge to provide constructive and creative suggestions on how to handle those problems, not simply to throw those questions back in our face. Yes, the position of a leader can oftentimes be a lonely one, and it is one with responsibility. Acknowledging that, it is time that corporations choose their department heads with more care, in order to address what I feel are the most basic needs of a worker: the need for empathy and understanding.

MYOB Please

The New Paper just ran a full tabloid special on variations on the theme of sex in Singapore. The date? Just a couple of days ago lah. Anyways, a lot of the articles made for very informative and entertaining reading, especially the double-spread on what must have been the most often browsed Singaporean blog in recent times: the SPG blog.

Now in case the esteemed reader thinks that our beautiful little tropical island has been subjected to a sudden infestation of bookus wormius let me assure you that this is not the case. Most of us (yes even I popped into the site for a look-see) went in to oogle at the the marvelous mounds of mammaries (hows THAT for alliteration?) on display there. It was only after I logged out from the site that I realised I've fallen prey to two characteristics which I really dislike quite a lot.

The first is: the Herd instinct. Now, I'm really not a rebel. Hell, most of the time I don't even believe in any cause, cynic that I am. And so it is with a certain amount of disgust when I hear about people going some place, or buying something, or doing something, or idolising someone simply because other people are doing it. I mean, don't they have a mind of their own? Must we rely on the antics and whims of others to define our own self-identity? Many famous authors down the ages have noted that humans as individuals are brilliant. Humans as a group are sheep.

The second characteristic that I really am not particularly fond of is the Cannot MYOB syndrome. At the risk of sounding condescending, MYOB stands for Mind Your Own Business. Now, here I have add in a caveat: I really don't mind my friends and family minding my business; in fact, there have been many times where I have been eternally grateful to them for doing so. Timely and wise advice has pulled my ass out of the fire countless times (and most of the time it's because I put my ass there). But the scenario is completely different when it is a stranger who pokes his unwanted nose into my affairs. And that was what I saw in the Sunday issue of The New Paper.

I don't blame fellow blogger Wendy Cheng (Xiaoxue) for making those pithy and cutting remarks with regards to SPG's blog. In fact, I thought they were rather witty. What I do take umbrage upon is the fact that there were people digging for those comments. Whether SPG's blog was meant to attract attention or not, the fact that so much attention has been given to her blog must have made her a little uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong... Although I'm a relative newcomer to the blogging scene, I do know full well that eventually what I post in my blog is going to be read by total strangers. That's fine by me. But that's not my purpose for keeping a blog. My purpose for keeping a blog (and I suspect the purpose of most bloggers out there) is to share. There is a sharing of views, of opinions, of experiences, and of perceptions out there on the net. And the polite way to respond to such an open sharing is to be constructive about it.

The digging of opinions from people who really wouldn't have given two hoots about the blog otherwise is not constructive. No matter how much SPG may have been wanting a little attention, to be splashed across four pages of the national best selling tabloid must have been a little too much even for her. It's like whistling for a breeze and getting a typhoon in your face.

Pity the poor girl yeah? Give her a break. How she wants to write her blog is her business. Mind yours first. And remember: don't be Dolly the sheep.

Sex In The City

Just ended a very interesting discussion over the net with a friend on, guess what? Sex. I can just hear all the delighted scandal-filled gasps echoing through the highways of the net. Yeah yeah yeah... we talked about sex, and my chat partner is a female. So? Big fat hairy deal. And in case any of you think that we were having *shudder* net sex, forget ok? I'm one of those who'd prefer doing it in person rather than over the net or phone.

When are we going to discard our parochial and out-dated views on sex? When are we going to realise that sex is an activity as natural and as important to our survival as the ingestion of food and air? And mark my words. In the evolutionary scheme of things, sex is just as important to our survival as a species as food and air. No sex, no descendents. Simple.

But more than that, humans are part of a very elite group of animals who are able to have, or want to have, sex all year round. Simply because there is no such thing as being in heat for us. In addition, we have a trait that is unique to humans only. We use sex as a means of enjoyment. To most of us, sex is an enjoyable pastime. One that allows us to de-stress (by release), exercise (it burns more calories than swimming) and provides us that unique feeling that the Japanese have aptly called the Feeling of the Wind and the Clouds.

So why are we as a society, so ashamed of talking about, and doing it? If our attitudes towards sex were identical to say, breathing, I would guarantee that sexual crimes would never exist. It is the "taboo-fication" of sex which gives rise to the corrupted and perverted desire to abuse the opposite gender's private space, and violate the individual. Because mark my words: it is not the physical act of rape that makes a sexual crime so heinous; it is the invasion of the body, the loss of control by the victim and the forced intimacy of the act itself that psychologically overwhelms the sufferer. The perpetrator in turn does not derive his or her pleasure from the act itself, but from the sense of control and mastery over the victim, and the guilty pleasure of indulging in an act that is frowned upon by society.

But I digress. Anyway, the crux of the discussion we had was how she had a friend that would get hurt because she'd have sex with a guy she liked, but the guy would then leave her. And my stand was, much as it seems cruel to say so, that she should not have invested so much collateral emotions to the act of love-making. True, I would be the first to agree that coitus is an excellent way to bring two people together. It is an act that, invested with love, desire, tenderness, consideration and communication, can result in an earth-shattering, divinely wonderful experience. But to invest the act of love-making also with the expectation that it can induce more love is erroneous. To think that sex can be exchanged for commitment is fallacious thinking. And both perceptions, misguided as they are, can only result in heartbreak.

What is the alternative? I believe the answer is very simple. To "un-taboo-fy" sex, and to dissociate it from being equated with love. When we stop talking and thinking of sex as a subject of taboo, we start being more truthful and upfront with our treatment of sex. Communication channels about sex across all related subjects, from diseases, to relationships, to the responsible indulgence of sex can be more openly discussed. Awareness for STDs, pregnancies, and the definition of sexual abuse and the prevention thereof can subsequently be raised. Talking about sex can bring a close relationship between two people even closer. And perhaps most important of all, treating sex as normal, natural and inevitable can result in better and more responsible sexual practices around the world.

Part of the process of "un-taboo-ifying" sex must of necessity result in the dissociation of sex with love. While it can be an important and major part of a relationship, we must also be able to step back and view sex as an end in itself. Fornication for fornication's sake is not evil. It is something that can and should be appreciated in itself. Can two people not appreciate the simple close proximity that coitus can bring? Why can we not simply enjoy the pleasure that sex can bring? The health benefits? Why can't two friends, buddies and pals for so long, enjoy sex as a way of mutually spending time and giving pleasure for each other? Need we always invest the act of intercourse with the emotion of love? The answer, to any rational person, should be obvious: there is no need.

Love comes first. Commitment comes next. And a future is built. Sex does not come first; it does not result in the rest. To say that sex equals love is like saying a petal equals the whole flower. It is so narrow-minded as to be darkly hilarious. Once we are able to demystify sex, and look at it with clarity on its own merits, and allow sex to take its proper place in society's scheme of things, indulging in sex will at once become a more open, more universal, and yet infinitely more responsible activity.

Don't just do it. Talk about it.

I love you in 111 languages

Author/Compilationist unknown

1. English - I love you
2. Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
3. Albanian - Te dua
4. Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
5. Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
6. Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
7. Bambara - M'bi fe
8. Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
9. Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
10. Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
11. Bulgarian - Obicham te
12. Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
13. Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
14. Catalan - T'estimo
15. Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
16. Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
17. China - Wo ai ni
18. Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
19. Creol - Mi aime jou
20. Croatian - Volim te
21. Czech - Miluji te
22. Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
23. Dutch - Ik hou van jou
24. Esperanto - Mi amas vin
25. Estonian - Ma armastan sind
26. Ethiopian - Afgreki'
27. Faroese - Eg elski teg
28. Farsi - Doset daram
29. Filipino - Mahal kita
30. Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
31. French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
32. Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
33. Georgian - Mikvarhar
34. German - Ich liebe dich
35. Greek - S'agapo
36. Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
37. Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
38. Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
39. Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
40. Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
41. Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
42. Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
43. Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
44. Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
45. Hungarian - Szeretlek
46. Icelandic - Eg elska tig
47. Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
48. Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
49. Inuit - Negligevapse
50. Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
51. Italian - Ti amo
52. Japanese - Aishiteru
53. Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
54. Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
55. Kiswahili - Nakupenda
56. Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
57. Korean - Sarang Heyo
58. Latin - Te amo
59. Latvian - Es tevi miilu
60. Lebanese - Bahibak
61. Lithuanian - Tave myliu
62. Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
63. Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
64. Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
65. Marathi - Me tula prem karto
66. Mohawk - Kanbhik
67. Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
68. Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
69. Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
70. Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
71. Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
72. Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
73. Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
74. Persian - Doo-set daaram
75. Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
76. Polish - Kocham Ciebie
77. Portuguese - Eu te amo
78. Romanian - Te ubesk
79. Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
80. Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
81. Serbian - Volim te
82. Setswana - Ke a go rata
83. Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
84. Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
85. Sioux - Techihhila
86. Slovak - Lu`bim ta
87. Slovenian - Ljubim te
88. Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
89. Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
90. Swedish - Jag alskar dig
91. Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
92. Tagalog - Mahal kita
93. Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
94. Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
95. Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
96. Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
97. Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
98. Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
99. Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
100. Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
101. Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
102. Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
103. Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
104. Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
105. Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
106. Yoruba - Mo ni fe
107. Batak - Holong rohaku tu ho
108. Surabaya - aku tresno kara koe
109. Hakka - Ngai oi Ngi
110. Hokien - Wa ai Lu
111. Mongolia - Bi Charmed heir teh

Judgementalism

I read an article a couple of weeks back in a local tabloid: The New Paper. The name of the author escapes me right now. In the article, the author (who belongs to the fairer gender) admits that no matter how good a character a man is, no matter how kind, or gentle, or new age-y, as long as he is a smoker, she will never consider him to be his life partner.

This saddens me.

What, pray tell me, does a disgusting habit like smoking (and mark my words, even though I'm a smoker, I do admit that smoking IS a disgusting habit) have got to do with how good a boyfriend or husband or life partner I am going to be? Maybe my clothes may stink. Fine. I'll spray more cologne. Maybe my breath might stink. Fine. I've got mouth-spray and I'll brush a dozen times a day. Maybe she's afraid that she'll get sick from all that second-hand smoke. Well, I've never smoked in front of someone who didn't like the smell of smoke. Maybe I'll die earlier than my partner. Well then she's really got nothing to complain, because she stands to inherit from all the insurance policies I've splurged on myself.

So please! Enlighten me... Does smoking make me any lesser of a man? Does it impair my judgement? Does it debilitate me? Does it make me a monster? No. And if there are any scientific studies to the contrary, well I'd sure love to hear about it.

You know, I did a web search on the key word judgementalism. Almost all the results that came back were from the point of view of Christianity. While many of the articles raised salient points, they were all from a religious point of view. And this in turn begs the question: Is judgmentalism so much a part of our culture and society that we become blasé about it? It doesn't take very much to show that the answer to the above question must be an unqualified "yes". Look at all the advertisements around us. Products and services screaming what we should or should not wear, what we should or should not do, where we should or should not go, how we should or should not be.

Why can't we concentrate on our similarities rather than our differences? Why can't we recognise the fact that we have the same 2 eyes, 1 nose, 2 ears and 1 mouth? That whether an oriental makes love to a negro, or a caucasian makes love to a mongoloid, we would still produce a wonderful cute little bundle of joy? Is this fixation with differences going to tear the human race apart? In fact, isn't it already happening?

To me, everyone deserves to have at least one chance to prove himself, regardless of where he comes from, how he looks like or what his habits are. I am more inclined to reject for a life-mate someone who has betrayed my trust in her before, rather than someone who perhaps likes to pick her nose in public or farts fit to shatter windows.

When you say you reject someone, without even first getting to know that person, then the only person you are short-changing is yourself. Please... giving a chance comes from the heart. Don't betray your heart.