Back To Obedience School?
I've got mixed feelings. That's not to say that I'm confused. No. Confusion and mixed feelings are very different. I can't say that I'm ambivalent either. No. My feelings on the following topic are relatively strong. But let's just say that I really can't make up my mind if I agree or disagree with the author's views. (It is a mark of my mixed feelings that I'm actually departing from how I usually write and using the apostrophe with abandon).
So which article has gotten me into such a tizzy? It's an opinion article from the Today newspaper, from a column titled I Say. The title? To Love... Is To Obey, and it is penned by one Frances Ong Hock Lin. The following is the excerpt from the article (from roughly the centre of the article to the end):
"A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.
"Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 percent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract - which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
"The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.
"My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything in return.
"He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major decision, his vote counts for 60 percent, and mine for 40 percent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it challenging
to submit to my husband. But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.
"Being the heart of the family, my role is to complement, and not to compete with, his. I never challenge his views in front of others, which would make him feel small, insignificant and disrespected.
"We try not to fight or quarrel in front of the children. Yes, we have thought of walking out of this marriage many times, but then we remembered that we started out with the belief that divorce was not an option.
"We will continue to fight, and our marriage will be a roller-coaster ride. Given a chance, would I walk down the aisle again to the same man? Yes, I would, but this time I would obey him the minute he married me."
__________________________________________
You know, when I first read this article, I was like thinking to myself, my GOD, where do I find a woman like this?! A woman educated yet submissive, with her own career yet supportive, and able to stick with her husband through thick and thin. In the words of my Singlish-loving friend,"This kind where to find?!"
What really moved my heart was the very last paragraph. Implicit in her rhetorical question and answer was the conviction that should she be given the choice to do it all over again, she wouldn't get out of the marriage, but rather, to attempt to make it even better than it already is. Well, I don't know about other guys out there, but having my loved one give me a sponge bath is already plenty good.
My mixed feelings come from a rather sad realisation: that such women in Singapore, as far as I can see, are a dying breed. While the emancipation of women is indubitably a good thing, one of the side-effects is that an emancipated woman would rather be heard and stand her ground than give way and be obedient. It is a stridency that is both attractive and intimidating to men. The demure, impishly shy girl of our dreams has been replaced by the reality of the severely-cut, in-your-face career woman. For me to find a woman who can help keep peace in the household is akin to finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.
I don't believe I'm a chauvinist. Heck, I don't even need a woman who can obey my every whim. If I did, I might as well keep a kept woman. I want a partner through life, who can pamper me on occasion, give solid sage advice when necessary, and stick with me through thick and thin. A partner who knows that being in a marriage is when two people stop using the word "I" and start using the word "we". A partner who is satisfied with the role she will play in the household, just as I would be satisfied with mine. And a partner who understands the need for unity, no matter what issues may be plaguing the relationship.
Obedience to the husband (or even obedience to the wife) can keep the peace; but I believe the crux of the article is not obedience, but being able to fill out and accept mutual complementary roles in a marriage. In Frances' case, being obedient may be part of that role. But truly, as long as two people in marriage always know where they stand (especially in each other's hearts), then the marriage will be a success. This I believe.
So which article has gotten me into such a tizzy? It's an opinion article from the Today newspaper, from a column titled I Say. The title? To Love... Is To Obey, and it is penned by one Frances Ong Hock Lin. The following is the excerpt from the article (from roughly the centre of the article to the end):
"A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.
"Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 percent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract - which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
"The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.
"My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything in return.
"He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major decision, his vote counts for 60 percent, and mine for 40 percent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it challenging
to submit to my husband. But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.
"Being the heart of the family, my role is to complement, and not to compete with, his. I never challenge his views in front of others, which would make him feel small, insignificant and disrespected.
"We try not to fight or quarrel in front of the children. Yes, we have thought of walking out of this marriage many times, but then we remembered that we started out with the belief that divorce was not an option.
"We will continue to fight, and our marriage will be a roller-coaster ride. Given a chance, would I walk down the aisle again to the same man? Yes, I would, but this time I would obey him the minute he married me."
__________________________________________
You know, when I first read this article, I was like thinking to myself, my GOD, where do I find a woman like this?! A woman educated yet submissive, with her own career yet supportive, and able to stick with her husband through thick and thin. In the words of my Singlish-loving friend,"This kind where to find?!"
What really moved my heart was the very last paragraph. Implicit in her rhetorical question and answer was the conviction that should she be given the choice to do it all over again, she wouldn't get out of the marriage, but rather, to attempt to make it even better than it already is. Well, I don't know about other guys out there, but having my loved one give me a sponge bath is already plenty good.
My mixed feelings come from a rather sad realisation: that such women in Singapore, as far as I can see, are a dying breed. While the emancipation of women is indubitably a good thing, one of the side-effects is that an emancipated woman would rather be heard and stand her ground than give way and be obedient. It is a stridency that is both attractive and intimidating to men. The demure, impishly shy girl of our dreams has been replaced by the reality of the severely-cut, in-your-face career woman. For me to find a woman who can help keep peace in the household is akin to finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.
I don't believe I'm a chauvinist. Heck, I don't even need a woman who can obey my every whim. If I did, I might as well keep a kept woman. I want a partner through life, who can pamper me on occasion, give solid sage advice when necessary, and stick with me through thick and thin. A partner who knows that being in a marriage is when two people stop using the word "I" and start using the word "we". A partner who is satisfied with the role she will play in the household, just as I would be satisfied with mine. And a partner who understands the need for unity, no matter what issues may be plaguing the relationship.
Obedience to the husband (or even obedience to the wife) can keep the peace; but I believe the crux of the article is not obedience, but being able to fill out and accept mutual complementary roles in a marriage. In Frances' case, being obedient may be part of that role. But truly, as long as two people in marriage always know where they stand (especially in each other's hearts), then the marriage will be a success. This I believe.
posted by ekkie at 4:22 am
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