What Women REALLY Want
I was just chatting with a new friend I met on my inaugural diving trip. A woman with a mind of her own, many of her opinions are measured and well-thought out. Like almost everyone else I know, she also has her own sad love story to share. Anyway, in the course of one of our MSN chats, we got around to talking about what she wanted in a life mate... And here are some of her criteria:
- she must be able to communicate with him, communicate about all things under the sky
- there must be mutual trust and respect
- both parties must be faithful to each other and truthful
- if anyone ever wants to walk away (from the relationship), there must be truth (I presume that means there must be closure)
- there must be a sense of fun and adventure
- can make her laugh
- mutual respect
- basically someone whom she can share her life with and trust that the person will be around
- both must strive to become better people, otherwise, things will get stale
- when the feeling is rite, it'll be all there
- these are basic things that a r/s shd have
Most of these are truncated direct quotes from our conversation, thus the slight difference in writing styles.
Taking a second look at all the comments she made, I couldn't help but have two very seperate and distinct reactions, and both reactions being on the opposite ends of the easy-hard spectrum. Confused? So am I *wry grinz*, so once again, as is my wont, let me elaborate.
On the one hand, all the traits and relationship characteristics she said she wanted in a relationship, I felt were so totally basic. It is not just a lover's relationship which needs those characteristics stated above. Familial relationships, occupational relationships, friendships, business relationships, even to a certain extent acquaintance-ships (another Ed-invented word), all require communication, mutual trust, mutual respect, the drive to improve etc. In other words, all kinds of relationships bar none, are built on varying degrees of communication, mutual trust and respect. They are the building blocks of relationships.
So, having to specifically spell out such basic necessities for a successful romantic relationship between a man and a woman begs two questions: 1) Is today's society so emotionally corrupt that we do not even view communication, trust and respect as the basic building blocks of a successful relationship?; or 2) Are we expecting unreasonable amounts of communication, respect and trust in our relationships? Since option 2 sounds a little far-fetched even to me, I'm inclined to think that option 1 is the problem.
As a society, I believe we are getting more cynical by the day. We do not have faith any more, we seldom treat each other with respect, honour and integrity, and our sense of wonder has eroded to such an extent that it would take something (or in this case, someone) truly spectacular and wondrous to sweep us off our feet. We should not even have to specify that we want communication, trust and respect in a relationship. It ought to be a given. Not to be taken for granted of course, but these are the components which should be present in any relationship, not just romantic ones.
On the other hand (and on the other end of the spectrum), the uber-cynical part of me is saying:
We all want communciation, mutual trust and mutual respect in a romantic relationship. Well those things are really nice things to have. But... are these things overated? In the first place, why should we place ourselves in a position whereby our sense of security are defined by the amount of communication, trust and respect we get? Are we such insecure creatures that our sense of self-esteem requires that we need that trust, communication and respect? Don't get me wrong... there is a part of me which knows that every individual wants to be trusted and respected, and to trust and respect in return. However, why can't we enter a relationship without having to worry about the presence of trust, respect and communication? I can think of one excellent benefit: you won't have to worry about heartbreak, because you are expecting your partner to walk out on you any moment anyway.
Before you think that this is too far-out an idea, just observe the emerging trend of pre-nuptial agreements preceding today's marriages. Having a pre-nuptial agreement is a statement saying, "I don't trust you to keep your end of the bargain if our marriage turns sour. And I don't respect your judgement when it comes to this marriage." And if the marriage does turn sour, both parties can whip out the pre-nuptial agreement and go, "Aha! I KNEW this would happen..." However, I happen to also know of many happy relationships and marriages which go on with both parties essentially leading individual lives, coming together to copulate and cooperate on things which can only be achieved by a couple instead of an individual. And they are happy too. Is that type of relationship any better, or any worse than other kinds?
Question then... Is it then possible to have a happy romantic and physical relationship without communication, mutual trust and mutual respect? Totally dispassionately thinking about it, I actually believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling relationship without a high level of trust, respect and communication. Of course a minimum amount must exist, but these do not have to be the "be all and end all" of all relationships. Perhaps it would be more joyful to base a relationship on pure hedonistic fun...
Comments please... I'm still divided over this issue...
- she must be able to communicate with him, communicate about all things under the sky
- there must be mutual trust and respect
- both parties must be faithful to each other and truthful
- if anyone ever wants to walk away (from the relationship), there must be truth (I presume that means there must be closure)
- there must be a sense of fun and adventure
- can make her laugh
- mutual respect
- basically someone whom she can share her life with and trust that the person will be around
- both must strive to become better people, otherwise, things will get stale
- when the feeling is rite, it'll be all there
- these are basic things that a r/s shd have
Most of these are truncated direct quotes from our conversation, thus the slight difference in writing styles.
Taking a second look at all the comments she made, I couldn't help but have two very seperate and distinct reactions, and both reactions being on the opposite ends of the easy-hard spectrum. Confused? So am I *wry grinz*, so once again, as is my wont, let me elaborate.
On the one hand, all the traits and relationship characteristics she said she wanted in a relationship, I felt were so totally basic. It is not just a lover's relationship which needs those characteristics stated above. Familial relationships, occupational relationships, friendships, business relationships, even to a certain extent acquaintance-ships (another Ed-invented word), all require communication, mutual trust, mutual respect, the drive to improve etc. In other words, all kinds of relationships bar none, are built on varying degrees of communication, mutual trust and respect. They are the building blocks of relationships.
So, having to specifically spell out such basic necessities for a successful romantic relationship between a man and a woman begs two questions: 1) Is today's society so emotionally corrupt that we do not even view communication, trust and respect as the basic building blocks of a successful relationship?; or 2) Are we expecting unreasonable amounts of communication, respect and trust in our relationships? Since option 2 sounds a little far-fetched even to me, I'm inclined to think that option 1 is the problem.
As a society, I believe we are getting more cynical by the day. We do not have faith any more, we seldom treat each other with respect, honour and integrity, and our sense of wonder has eroded to such an extent that it would take something (or in this case, someone) truly spectacular and wondrous to sweep us off our feet. We should not even have to specify that we want communication, trust and respect in a relationship. It ought to be a given. Not to be taken for granted of course, but these are the components which should be present in any relationship, not just romantic ones.
On the other hand (and on the other end of the spectrum), the uber-cynical part of me is saying:
We all want communciation, mutual trust and mutual respect in a romantic relationship. Well those things are really nice things to have. But... are these things overated? In the first place, why should we place ourselves in a position whereby our sense of security are defined by the amount of communication, trust and respect we get? Are we such insecure creatures that our sense of self-esteem requires that we need that trust, communication and respect? Don't get me wrong... there is a part of me which knows that every individual wants to be trusted and respected, and to trust and respect in return. However, why can't we enter a relationship without having to worry about the presence of trust, respect and communication? I can think of one excellent benefit: you won't have to worry about heartbreak, because you are expecting your partner to walk out on you any moment anyway.
Before you think that this is too far-out an idea, just observe the emerging trend of pre-nuptial agreements preceding today's marriages. Having a pre-nuptial agreement is a statement saying, "I don't trust you to keep your end of the bargain if our marriage turns sour. And I don't respect your judgement when it comes to this marriage." And if the marriage does turn sour, both parties can whip out the pre-nuptial agreement and go, "Aha! I KNEW this would happen..." However, I happen to also know of many happy relationships and marriages which go on with both parties essentially leading individual lives, coming together to copulate and cooperate on things which can only be achieved by a couple instead of an individual. And they are happy too. Is that type of relationship any better, or any worse than other kinds?
Question then... Is it then possible to have a happy romantic and physical relationship without communication, mutual trust and mutual respect? Totally dispassionately thinking about it, I actually believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling relationship without a high level of trust, respect and communication. Of course a minimum amount must exist, but these do not have to be the "be all and end all" of all relationships. Perhaps it would be more joyful to base a relationship on pure hedonistic fun...
Comments please... I'm still divided over this issue...
posted by ekkie at 11:22 pm
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